The Quality Seller

NOTE: This story walks the line between parody and appropriation of old folk-tales. It really isn’t my place to ape another cultures folk-style just to make a few jokes, but I was ignorant of the concept back then. I thought I was “being inspired by.” It’s not my place to say how problematic this story actually is, but I made a promise to myself to post things I’m embarrassed by as much as those I’m proud of.

The Monarch detected a charming personality hidden underneath his ragged clothes… ~ Filipino Folk Tale

And so it came to pass, that in the old land of Dup, children, when the sun was fresh as a new daffodil, and the fish swam like birds through the creamy rivers, and the skies were filled with feathered beasts of all colors and sizes and shapes; when the land was so giving as to require only an hour of work a day for a farm to receive a crop of rice so pure as to be gold; when no woman was foul of skin, or wore hair lighter than purest midnight, and when no man was feeble, simple, or unable to support his family, and when no child would ever dream of dishonoring his filial duties; Here, in old Dup came Young Keh.

Keh was a poor child, having lost his parents to a vicious troll not one summer before, and had wandered across Dup, searching for a family ever since. He was a kind boy, and fair of face, but his clothing ragged from poverty, and he had nothing with which to buy food. His hunger was satiated only on the kindness of strangers, and it seemed to Keh that whenever a young knight or lost girl would offer him but a scrap of food, some fairy or spirit would appear to bless the knight or girl with riches beyond Keh’s dreams for their kindness and charity. He was glad he could help bring fortune to so many, but sometimes, in the dark of the night when his stomache ached, he wished the fairies and spirits would give him just a small piece of fortune too.

But he walked on with a smile on his face, and continued to offer prayers and honors to the gods for his health and his life, as all good little children do, until at last he came to the Great Road.

“Where does this road travel?” Keh asked of a nearby cricket. “For it is the largest I have ever seen?”

“Do you not know, silly boy?” The cricket laughed, for it was a mirthful cricket. “Listen to the boy, for he has wandered from one end of old Dup to the other, and has not heard nor seen this road before! I fear I may split my sides with laughter!”

“Please tell me,” Keh asked again, though he was much irritated by the rudeness of the cricket. “I am very hungry, and the sooner I am gone, the less time I will have to think about how tastey a plump roasted cricket would taste.”

“I take your point,” the cricket said, stopping his laughter immediately. “This is the Great Road! It travels as far as you have, from one end of Dup to the other, and in the middle of this road lies the palace of our Son of Heaven, the great Golden Emperor. It is said he sits on a throne of gold, and eats only from silver that no other hand has touched.”

“I should like to see this palace,” Keh smiled. “It would be a fine thing to see before I die.”

“That it would,” the cricket nodded. “Travel east along the road, and the rising sun will guide you to the palace.

Keh thanked the cricket, and walked east for several weeks, eating from the many fruit trees that grew along side the Great Road. Finally, he came upon a palace of gold and silver, with large metal men guarding the gates.

“May I come in?” Keh asked the metal men. “I have traveled long across Dup to see the Son of Heaven, our Golden Emperor.”

“It is said he drinks only wine made from the first grape harvested from every vinyard in the land,” said one metal man, “and he eats only chickens that pluck their own feathers.”

“That is he,” Keh said, nodding eagerly. “May I enter?”

“Very well,” said the other metal man, “but be warned. This is not a palace for children, and you may find your welcome colder than your liking.”

“I have been cold for many years,” Keh thought to himself as the metal men moved aside. “I cannot imagine this place any colder.

As he stepped inside, Keh was struck with wonder - the palace was greater than he had ever imagined. The walls were marble and jade, while the carpets were woven gold. The tapestries had been woven from sunlight and rainbows, while the statues had been carved from waterfall mist. Everyone he saw was dressed in silk shinier than the prettiest birds you have ever seen. Even the servants who rushed about doing their masters’ bidding wore crowns of silver and bronze. Keh was amazed, and so grateful that his mouth hung open as servants and masters, merchants and makers, all rushed about at their business.

“You look out of place, my boy,” said a thick short man with a large sack on his back. “There is no place for the ragged here.”

“I am sorry,” Keh said, bowing low to show proper respect to the man. “I am new here, and I cannot afford better clothing. If I must leave, I will, for having seen the glory of the Home of the Son of Heaven, I may die happily.”

“Now there is no need for that,” the man said, a strange grin sliding across his face. “I am a quality seller, and I can help you become beautiful, and wonderful, so that any merchant in the street thinks you a prince!”

“How?” Keh asked, “for I am poor, and have no money.”

“You need no money,” the man said, “For I trade in services. I will give you any quality I have in return for a simple act once you have achieved your fortune. What do you wish? Honesty? Fair skin? Wealth? Confidence? What quality would you like to seek your fortune?”

“If I could pay,” Keh said, thinking hard, “I might like a Charming Personality, that I might convince a mother and father to become my family.”

“Nothing simpler!” the man slipped his hand into his bag, and pulled a charming personality out into the gleaming air. “Take it, my young lad, and when you find your fortune, I will come for my payment.” The man vanished, and it was then Keh knew that he had been a fairy, or perhaps a demon, for normal humans did not vanish so quickly, nor did they trade in intangibles.

So Keh slipped the charming personality under his rags, and began to walk around the palace garden, speaking to the men and women who were busying about with their tasks.

“Foolish boy,” came a voice, and Keh looked down to see a tiny ant crawling on his foot. “Do you seek the fortune of a servant, or the future of a merchant? Speak with the Golden Emperor, for he is without child, and will be thankfu for the company!”

And so, Keh sat in the center of the garden and waited. In the morning, he would pick a single blade of grass, and pour the morning dew into his mouth. Every evening, the ant returned with a single grain of rice. This was what he ate and drank for seven days.

Then, the Golden Emperor held a parade, with men and women of all shape and size dancing and singing praises to heaven - all except Keh. The Golden Emperor held up his hand, and the parade stopped in front of him.

“Who are you, boy?” the Emperor asked. He would have demanded the boy’s head chopped off, but he had no child, and was curious as to why a child would sit when a parade was happening not three feet from his nose.

“My name is Keh,” he said, bowing low. “I have no family, no friends, and I have wanted to speak with you, to convince you that I should become your son.”

So enamored was the Golden Emperor with the boy, that be bid him stand, only to catch sight of the charming personality that the boy had hidden in his rags. ‘Such a boy who has such a gift,’ he thought ’ will doubtlessly prove a valuable son and heir.’

And so, for many years the boy spent his days as the son of the Golden Emperor. He had fine clothes and always enough to eat, and he was happy and dutiful until the day the Golden Emperor died.

Then, as Keh, the new Son of Heaven, left the temple where he had prayed, the shriveled old man stood before him, a wicked grin stuck across his face.

“I have come for your duty,” he said, his hands crawling all over each other with glee. “I demand you marry as soon as possible, and give me your first born child!”

Keh did not wish to pay so high a price, so he ordered the demon executed by the palace guard. It was done, and Keh lived happily for the rest of his days.