No one is at Binny’s place anymore.
I showed up there once or twice, and it was just me and him.
I don’t say anything to him, and he doesn’t say anything to me. What is there to say? Word gets around, so why talk when you’ve heard it all?
Day later. Week later. Don’t know. Sitting on the steps outside Binny’s. Darla comes by. Dressed to the nines.
“Hi,” I say. “Haven’t seen you around.”
“I’m not staying,” she says.
I nod, suck on my stick. “Yeah?”
“Gotta go.”
I nod. Suck again. “Where?”
“Don’t know.”
What did she want from me? Did she really not give a care? Try as I might, I had no idea what caused her to change her mind. Must have been something miserable I had done, but I had no idea what.
It feels like you’re alone. Like really alone for the first time in your life.
Even when there is no one else around, there’s a part of you that’s still there. It’s looking over your shoulder and critiquing everything you do. It shows you every facet of your life, and makes you watch. It rubs your nose in every failing, and laughs at every foible. That part of you that hates you is always there. That part of you that draws the lines and puts up walls. The part of you that warns you about what might happen, or what could happen. The part that is always looking ahead of you for stray banana peels and sharp rocks. All the neurosis and psychosis that life lays over the real you are there, even when there’s no one else around. Especially when there’s no one else to drown out the voices in your head. When there’s no telephone ringing. When there’s no car rushing you somewhere else.
I can step out of the taxi. Feels good. Flashes and sparks starting to fade into the deep darkness of the skull. Dry air rushing against my face feels good. Hard dry concrete under my shoes. Shoes under my feet. Feet under my head.
Take a deep breath. Smells good. Damn I’m thirsty. Need a sip.
The taxi provides support as Darla climbs out, her eyes tight, looking unhappy at me. Everything’s fine. I timed it. What’s her problem? Everything be fine when I get a drink of water. Coffee. Something. Called ahead, right? I’m sure I did. Feel the drop as the sizzle simmers. A little sizzle still, but dropping. I’m fine. I timed it.
I didn’t betray Leon. I swear. After Cindy’s chant, what he said, did he think he was recruiting me? Like making me part of his team? What did he think was going to happen? How he think it was going to go? Binny step down and everything work for him?
Cindy asked one day. Binny didn’t say anything except ‘dark magic.’ That was that. Leon was gone. He wasn’t ever coming back.
Cindy didn’t like that. She pouted about power-plays and how no one should ever get kicked out, that wasn’t what the chant was about, was it? That was the point of a circle.
I walked home from the hospital. Didn’t want to take the train. Didn’t have the green, didn’t bother to chant. Just walked. Wandered up from Downtown. Nothing special. Done it before.
Walked past old stores locked up for dinner. Office buildings with guards out front, standing still and watching life flow by. Saw restaurants with people inside, eating together, their minds on the day past or the day ahead. I saw lots of things, but people didn’t see me.
I didn’t feel good. Wrong kind of not good, too. Wasn’t sick, or needed a sizzle. Not hungry, not dizzy, nothing like that. Don’t know why I felt so bad. Never felt like it before. Something about seeing Ribber in the hospital bed. Don’t know.
You know what I got?
I got no apartment. I got no green. I got the chant and the emptyspace and a circle who chant with me. I get hungry, I get lucky. Chant for green, sometimes, chant for food. Darla, she buys me food, share the spoils. I got a roof to sleep under, and if Darla ever shove me out, I got flops and couches, couches for days.
You know what I got? I got self respect.
“Hey, Oz.” Cindy waved from the steps where she sat.
Walking, I was. Clear the head. Some day later. How much? Hundred truth I don’t remember. Week, maybe. Probably. Things get fuzzy when you chant. Time, what is time? Doesn’t matter. Chant to chant and sun to moon, you keep moving.
Gone to get a new pack of smokes. Had a lighter in my pocket. Felt good, gripped in my hand. Piece of paper too, just in case. Walking down the street outside Binny’s place.
Week later. Two weeks. We chant. We all show, ‘cuz we’re a circle.
Darla dresses to the nines for it. I laugh at her, it’s only Cindy. She sticks out her sexy tongue at me. I imagine my lips wrapped around it.
Go to the digs. Door opens and I flop on the couch. Darla reclines, as always, letting silky silk fold and slip up her leg. Dressed to nines, but no care. Sexy that. Binny is sitting there in his cloud, Leon on the floor, facing the ceiling like it’s painted.
When my sizzle is done, I climb right back into the kitchen off the escape. Stick half finished, pocket for later. Grab a drink of water on the way, dry mouth, no pop. No clean glass. No dirty glass. Use my hands and slurp like thirsty.
Walk into the room. Kid’s gone, everyone else sitting around, looking at the ceiling.
They’re all silent. Not moving. Not speaking. Rude.
I look up. Nothing there. Cracks and plaster. Nothing.
