Short Stories

CW: Casual discussion of catastrophe and a callous disregard for victims of tragedy.

Some men just want to watch the world burn. ~ Alfred Pennyworth

Excerpt from the Autobiography of William Forthman, Chapter VI — My Years as a Critic.

My first taste of the bouquet of human suffering occurred with the Columbine shootings on the 20th of April, 1999. A simple black and white photo from the security cameras that displayed two youths with dead eyes exploring the human condition. Something in the pose of the child on the right, leg extended and arm bent, reminded me of a dancer poised to pirouette.

I was so fascinated by this picture that I started hunting down old photographs of catastrophes. History books were a prime source for me; I found Vietnam and the second World War, I found Cambodia and Apartheid. I poured over photos and recordings with a glee that frankly surprised me until I spoke with a sommelier friend of mine. She was explaining the intricacies and bouquets of the different grapes when I realized I was becoming a Connoisseur of Human Suffering.

A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men. ~ Willy Wonka

Wilberforse Heinrich Lampozza Mondavi was born on May 23rd, 2020, in London, England. Reportedly, he did not cry nor laugh much as a child, though his nannies and doctors and teachers all reported an apparent interest in everything.

He did not speak until he was five, long after most children had uttered their first words, and reportedly his first word was ‘Schadenfreude,’ the German word for pleasure felt at another’s pain. This was considered doubly odd, for Wilberforse had never been given access to any German nannies, teachers, or media of any kind.

The Monarch detected a charming personality hidden underneath his ragged clothes…~ Filipino Folk Tale

And so it came to pass, that in the old land of Dup, children, when the sun was fresh as a new daffodil, and the fish swam like birds through the creamy rivers, and the skies were filled with feathered beasts of all colors and sizes and shapes; when the land was so giving as to require only an hour of work a day for a farm to receive a crop of rice so pure as to be gold; when no woman was foul of skin, or wore hair lighter than purest midnight, and when no man was feeble, simple, or unable to support his family, and when no child would ever dream of dishonoring his filial duties; Here, in old Dup came Young Keh.

Keh was a poor child, having lost his parents to a vicious troll not one summer before, and had wandered across Dup, searching for a family ever since. He was a kind boy, and fair of face, but his clothing ragged from poverty, and he had nothing with which to buy food. His hunger was satiated only on the kindness of strangers, and it seemed to Keh that whenever a young knight or lost girl would offer him but a scrap of food, some fairy or spirit would appear to bless the knight or girl with riches beyond Keh’s dreams for their kindness and charity. He was glad he could help bring fortune to so many, but sometimes, in the dark of the night when his stomache ached, he wished the fairies and spirits would give him just a small piece of fortune too.

I first found the ‘Glass-Half-Question Joke’ in as a child, in Gary Larson’s The Far Side. At its simplest, the joke was generally structured in threes. First the optimist, then the pessimist, then a third classification that was the punchline. Some had four or five, each punchline building on the last. I had collected one or two of these through college that I had found quite funny, and then just started writing them down whenever I found them. These are the only ones that stuck around, and so I’ve posted them here.

NOTE: As an experiment, many years ago, I decided to do some free associative writing. Words that connected in my brain were written down without filter. This worked relatively well for the beginning, but soon the surreal disjointed words shifted into poetic expression. That wasn’t the point of the exercise, and nowadays it does little more than underscore how depressed I actually was. Instead of rubbing our noses in depressive self-expression, I edited that section out and combined the two attempts into one.

Ask my Know. He were no cigarette.

A start. Beginning at the crest of the flowing river starts a rolling wave through green grass and brown bark framing the picture of space travel. Hopping through lobster bisque jumps green and smiling while running, fleeing, terrified of black shadows that creep from home. Dark eyes of glowing red coals flicker, dying in the fireplace with a smoky smell of tobbacco and harsh sandpaper on the throat. A tricking water flow lands, turning stone into worth and value.

His other slight peculiarity was the habit when distracted by thought of taking up improbable positions on furniture. ~ Bill Bryson, on Charles Lyle

My Dearest Lulu,

I have met the most fascinating man, today. His name is Finnigan, and he has been assured to me of a most particularly voluminous mind. Professor Lindly — remember him, my dear? He of the flowing hair? — introduced me to Mr. Finnigan as a student of philosophy, geology, chemistry, and physics. He seems a most genial fellow, though Lindly seemed to find him eccentric. I look forward to many great and wonderful conversations with him in the future.

I am glad to hear that your brother is feeling better. Having once received a fairly serious burn on my arm from a particularly exothermic reaction, I can imagine what it must be like to loose the use of ones limb. Please extend my sympathies to him.

Dr. Prinassus

Playing this season on Broadway, MacB! is the recent musical adaptation of Shakespeare’s seminal hit, Macbeth. Directed by proud up and coming director Joe Vanderhook, MacB! puts the full force of the best of New York’s artistic talent along side the best of classic British theatre.

The play opens with a prologue featuring the talented Elizabeth Kaine, Claire Rogan, and Kelly Fontaine as the red, blond, and black haired ‘Wyrd Sisters,’ the scantily clad mystical chorus that frames the entire play. Their opening song, ‘Double Double, (Toil and Trouble)’ sets the tone with an incredible display of pyrotechnics and a laser show that is used to supplement the finely crafted set with images of far off castles, smokey clouds, and spectral images that help accent the horror that the rest of the show promises to deliver. The song is well-crafted and danced impeccably with the frantic spasms of the performers providing a true sense of otherworldly possession, while the sharp and almost painful lyrics screamed by these three actresses betrayed their devotion to these complex and intricate characters. The completion of the first song alone caused a standing ovation that lasted over five minutes, sadly forcing the three women to hold their complex final pose no doubt far longer than they expected, but they maintained their stance with a professionalism and aplomb that is to be commended, if not celebrated.

I might be dead / but I will overcome ~ TJ Stafford, Rise Again

Congratulations! You are dead!

As a courtesy for our customers, every purchase of a Lupton & Sons economy casket includes this notice carved into the lid of the coffin for the recently deceased. This notice was provided free of charge as a complimentary service, to better prepare you for what is to come.

Many people have walked into our mortuary and asked if this life was all that there is. Does not some other life await us? We at Lupton & Sons believe wholeheartedly that your death, untimely or otherwise, need not be the end of your life!

This story was made using the solo RPG Monster Hunter, by La esquina del rol. Based on the Firelights system, this pamphlet RPG is about the Borderlands, and the last Monster Hunter who has the Scattergun of Destiny. They must find the Six Legendary Bullets to banish The Evil One and restore the Borderlands. The following is a list of the card-draws, rolls, and actions taken during play that resulted in the transcribed narrative:

The dragon’s rotten lips parted, a fetid cloud of swamp gas leaking from the beast’s depths. “So,” the monster spoke, “you’ve come to kill me, haven’t you?”

Vic opened her mouth in shock before she could collect her wits. “I’m here for the bullet,” she said at last, reaching out a hand to steady herself against a tree.

“Yes, then,” the dragon slowly uncoiled, its head snaking forward. “Well, I’m not interested in fighting today, so I suppose I’ll just let you have it.”

“What?” Vic could scarcely believe it. Was the dragon being honest? She certainly wasn’t feeling up for a fight, much less with a dragon and without her rifle. Would it really be that easy?

The dragon hissed, sending a spray of burning liquid over Vic’s face. “You heard me. I’m going to give you one of the six legendary bullets. You can pluck it straight from my forehead and I won’t even eat you for your trouble. How does that sound?”