Lupton & Sons Quality Coffins

NOTE: I lightly edited this piece to make it easier to read, and to accent the accidental theme of “willpower = magic.” I didn’t realize I was spoofing schlocky self-help books at the time, but now…well, I’m sure you can see parallels.

I might be dead/ but I will overcome

~ TJ Stafford, Rise Again

Congratulations! You are dead!

As a courtesy for our customers, every purchase of a Lupton & Sons economy casket includes this notice carved into the lid of the coffin for the recently deceased. This notice was provided free of charge as a complimentary service, to better prepare you for what is to come.

Many people have walked into our mortuary and asked if this life was all that there is. Does not some other life await us? We at Lupton & Sons believe wholeheartedly that your death, untimely or otherwise, need not be the end of your life!

First, rest assured, we are not talking about any religious afterlife — You are of course allowed to proceed to any final reward you wish — but what about those who are uncertain about their prospects, or who simply wish to experience more of what death has to offer before moving on? You have a chance, here and now, to have a second life on the very earth you just departed! Even better, you can achieve this life right now with no formal training in the occult, theology, or philosophy. It is cost free, painless, and available to anyone who simply has the desire and the will to live again!

And who doesn’t? Who doesn’t remember the beauty of a sunset, or the taste of good food, or the laughter of friends? Most people think they have to leave this all behind — not so! Just follow the list of simple instructions below, and you are well on your way to a brand new life!

1. Circulation is the most difficult part of life, but it is also the most important. Start your heart up again by focusing very hard on flexing the muscle. It may take several tries — you are undoubtedly woefully out of practice — but before long you will get a murmur! Most important is to not give up, and don’t get discouraged; most everyone simply let their body do the work when they were alive, without consideration or awareness. You have the privilege of earning your heartbeat. Remember, even a lifetime of laxity can be overcome with the will and passion to live again!

2. Once the blood is circulating, you will need to oxygenate the brain. The lungs are operated from the diaphragm, a muscle in the lower torso. Keep poking around until you find the long thin muscle that bends when you flex it. Distending this muscle should cause your lungs to fill through your nose. If not, you may have found your liver, which is much thicker and more complicated than you need to deal with at the moment. Once you have taken a few breaths, stop breathing again so you don’t waste the limited oxygen you have in the coffin: all Lupton & Sons caskets are guaranteed air tight!

3. Don’t forget to keep your heart beating! It can be difficult to do two things at once, but the rewards are well worth it. Once your blood has enough oxygen, your brain should restart with a minimum of effort. You have been using it all your life, so it shouldn’t take much to spring back to life. Don’t let the seeming complexity of the brain dissuade you; Neurologists and other so called “experts” would have you believe that the brain is an intricate system of glands, chemicals, and cellular communication. We’re here to tell you that it’s a lot simpler than they make it sound! A Ph.D from some elitist ivy-league school can easily be replaced by good old determination and positive thinking! Which you will be doing from your newly restarted brain!

4. Now this next bit is a little more complicated, but relax; you have all the time in the world to practice and get it right. Once you’ve started the brain, make sure each nerve ending in the body is functioning appropriately by sending a single impulse to each one. This may take a long time due to the large amount of nerve endings in the average human body, but did you know that the majority of all postmortem damage done to the body is due to lack of properly functioning nerves? If you don’t check each nerve ending, you might find yourself lurching around bumping into things, and Lupton & Sons takes no liability for damages incurred if this step is not enacted with care.

5. If all the nerves are functioning properly, you can now lift your arms to push your way out of your Lupton & Sons casket. All of our caskets are specially designed to break easily when pushed on from the inside as a courtesy to our clients! If, on the other hand, you find that a large number of nerves are no longer working, double check to make sure you have been buried with all of your body parts. If you haven’t, we at Lupton & Sons apologize for the poor decisions of your survivors, but don’t worry! Many people are fully capable of living full and fulfilling second lives with body-parts missing! However, if you wish to purchase a replacement limb, you may contact us for a wide selection of previously-owned parts.

6. Now you have to dig upwards through the dirt of your grave. Depending on where you have been buried, or how long you remained in your coffin, the dirt might be loose or densely packed. Remember to breathe a few times before starting, and to not breathe while digging through the earth — don’t dirty up those lungs before they get their chance to breathe fresh air the first time for the second time! Climbing through dirt can be difficult, but the reward that awaits you above this casket is a brand new life! You may find it easier than you think; you can ignore any pain, as the worst has already happened to you!

7. Once you are out and about, please do not feel that anything is expected of you. Many people feel that you will be required to shamble about with arms held outstretched, moaning for brains. Please, don’t feel pressured to do anything you don’t feel comfortable doing - your new life is yours, and no one else’s. Move how you want, eat what you will — don’t waste this new opportunity! If you find this newfound freedom overwhelming, we at Lupton & Sons are happy to provide you with any number of informational pamphlets with opportunities for the recently unceased. Don’t hesitate to call or visit one of our local stores!

I hope you have enjoyed your brief stay in our coffin, and when you return to your loved ones with a twinkle in your eye, please remember to stop by Lupton & Sons and fill out a questionnaire for a free embalming! We are devoted to ensuring that our products are satisfactory for everyone involved, and your feedback will be invaluable.

We hope to see you up and about soon!

~ Mr. Lupton

PS: If you find your body has been irreparably damaged as a result of your death — through cremation, severe crushing, or a similar, we regret that we can only offer our sincere sympathies. While we firmly believe that the human mind can achieve anything when focused on a goal, we also acknowledge that there are some physical limitations that even a right-thinking mind cannot overcome. If you ever manage to make your way to a Lupton & Sons Outlet store, present them with this coffin-lid for a 75% discount on any second-hand body parts we have in stock.