The Sixth Customer

This story was made using the solo RPG Caveat Emptor, by Exeunt Press.

The next day had started off bright, warm, and perfect to go shopping. Ohog had unlocked the shop with a spring in their cloven step, and a whistle on their infernal lips. They had woven their human disguise about themself with an extra flourish for fun, and waited patiently for their first customer. They had felt good for the first time in some time, and they didn’t know why. Somehow, they were certain that good things were headed their way. ¹

It only took a few minutes before the door opened, and Ulrich Monau the Elder stepped into the store. Ohog was nearly giddy with delight, as the man’s deepest desire spilled out in front of him. Lucifer bless the Lutherans, he thought as he beckoned the man inside. “Welcome, welcome, such a wonderful day, isn’t it? Quite wonderful!”

Ulrich’s seething fury was not even chipped by Ohog’s sunny disposition. “Is it? It must be so by Satan’s hand, to mock us all.”

Could very well be, Ohog tapped a finger to their chin. “Why good sir, I can see you are in a foul mood; I hope you are not in some trouble?”

“We all are,” the man slapped his fist into his palm. “By the heavens above, our very souls are in peril! Have you not heard the latest news?”

“Unfortunately I am bound behind this counter,” Ohog shrugged, “and so current events pass me by, unless a well-meaning customer stops to chat. Am I to take it then there is word from the Bishop?”

“No!” Ulrich stormed about the shop, throwing casual glances at the assorted curios as he ranted. “There has been no word! Not a single peep from his holiness, as to this foul and ungodly heresy. I am not afraid to say, as a good god-fearing Catholic, we would be better off with a new Bishop!”

Ohog was amazed. He barely had to do anything. “Why sir, you aren’t calling down misfortune on a holy bishop, are you?”

“Why not?” Ulrich picked up a book and turned it to and fro without looking at it. “When his silence imperils the souls of his flock, it is meet that his soul fly to his master sooner, rather than later!”

“Ah,” Ohog put on a performance of careful consideration. “Well, sir, I certainly understand your anger, but is not murder a mortal sin? I cannot think of anyone who would damn their very soul just to save the souls of even so many!”

“Murder?” Ulrich sniffed, “Yes, murder is a mortal sin, but, well…How many crusades have there been? Angels and Saints alike have slain evil and been blessed for it. I am certain any soul who wished to end an evil Bishop’s life would be canonized for their holy service.”

“Oh, certainly, certainly!” Ohog rapped the countertop with a red knuckle, “You have convinced me, good sir…so convinced me, in fact, that I am willing to sell you this.”

Ulrich turned to see Ohog pull an old crude puppet out from behind the counter. “What is that ratty thing?”

“This?” Ohog tugged at its strings, making the wooden puppet dance. “Why, this is just a little puppet, made by a lonely old toymaker. It is said that the puppet was jealous of the toymaker, and all the people who came into his shop, because they could move when they wished. It could only move when other’s bid it to. So great was its envy, that…ahem…that God took pity on the poor toy, and gave it justice! Now, miracle of miracles, this puppet has the power to control another person’s actions, like a puppet.”

“Ah,” Ulrich gave a slow nod. “I see…and this could be used to…get a new bishop?”

“Without committing a single sin, mortal or otherwise!” Ohog spread their arms wide. “After all, if you…or anyone…were to kill the Bishop, there would at least be a need for some small penance. If instead the Bishop were to walk off a cliff…”

“I see…” Ulrich’s eyes lit up. “Yes, I see! Well, such an interesting tale, I feel I simply must purchase this puppet. It would be a delight to share the story with guests who stop by to visit…yes, yes indeed.”

The sale was quick and cheep as far as mortal coin was concerned. Ohog waved Ulrich goodbye, and the shop bell had barely stopped ringing before the infernal quill and ledger were in his claws as he marked the sale down. It wasn’t the best curse they had ever woven, but the ironic punishment was too hard to pass up. As soon as Ulrich had used the puppet to kill the Bishop, the jealous toy would enact its revenge on Ulrich, controlling his body as he had dared to control its. He would never be in control of himself again.

Ohog had barely put the ledger back in the smoke of his candle when the door had opened again. A woman by the name of Theudelinde Aurifaber walked in, glancing about at the assorted items. It was going to be a good day! They’d have their quota back on track in no time! “Welcome to my shop! Is there anything I can help you find?”

“No,” Theudelinde said, flipping aimlessly through a large book of alchemy. “I’m just curious.”

Ohog felt a little disappointed. Curiosity wasn’t the worst of sins — not really a sin at all, come to think of it — but they were confident they could make it work for them. They took a careful look at the woman, carefully studying her innermost desires.

What luck! What infernal fortune! What demonic providence that this woman should walk into their shop! Truly, there was no greater innermost desire to prey upon then that most unholy of passions; personal freedom! It was this desire that led to the Morningstar’s fall, to the original sin, to everything that the devils of Hell stood for! This sale would be easy.

Ohog leaned casually against the counter, scratching aimlessly at their jawline. “Well, I’m certain there will be something here that will enrich your home. Something for your spouse, perhaps?”

“Oh, I’m not married.”

“No? Well, you must be lonely. Perhaps this charming fellow dressed all in black could keep you company?”

Theudelinde looked up at the black raven’s cage. He looked back with a glittering eye. “No thank you.”

“Are you sure?” Ohog tried to keep his bright attitude. “He is a charming companion. A soothing voice with a wise mind behind it. Why, the young lady I purchased him from said that he guided her true whenever she spoke with him. Truly the ideal purchase for anyone seeking their own personal freedom from the uncontrollable winds of fortune and fate.”

They could feel the woman’s desire, the pull from her heart at the idea of thumbing her nose at all the plots and plans that had been laid for her. She could defy kings and queens, lords and merchants. She could be completely and utterly free.

“Nah,” she shrugged. “Not for me.”

Ohog blinked; this wasn’t what they had expected. “Really? Only…forgive me saying so, but he seems…perfect for you.” With a swift hand, Ohog reached out and tapped the cage.

“Eh?” the Raven coughed. “Oh, right. It’s true, oh maiden fair, I will guide you with such wisdom and…uh, guidance, that you’ll never want again. You will be truly free.”

“But I wouldn’t, would I?” Theudelinde turned away to study a full length silver mirror. “I’d just be chained to a different master. If his advice was good, I’d have to take it, wouldn’t I?”

“If my advice is good?” The raven snorted, ruffling his feathers.

Ohog tugged on his jacket. Actually, it would be my curse that would force you to take the advice, but either way… “Well, what does that matter? Good advice is good advice, no?”

“It is,” Theudelinde turned this way and that, watching her reflection. “But I don’t want to choose between taking good advice and ignoring it. I want to chose my own path. Oh!” She turned to Ohog, a calm smile on her face. “This mirror shows someone’s true nature, doesn’t it?”

Ohog stammered a moment before recollecting themself. “Well, you can always just not ask him questions, couldn’t you? He won’t butt in if he’s not asked.”

Theudelinde shot Ohog a sidelong glance as she reached for another curio off a nearby shelf. “He?” When there was no response, she shook her head. “You’ll forgive me if I don’t take your word for it.”

“Well…couldn’t you just…take him anyway?” It was against company policy — the whole system wouldn’t work if people didn’t pay money for their punishments. Ohog was somewhat muddy on why, but they trusted that someone knew. Either way, they were getting desperate. If they couldn’t sell a curse to someone this curious and desirous for freedom…

Theudelinde looked up from the small leatherbound journal she had been flipping through. “Why do people do this?” When confronted with Ohog’s blank look, she continued. “Flip through empty journals like they’re novels?” She waggled the book at Ohog’s slack-jawed expression. “It’s empty. We all know they’re empty, but we look anyway. It’s like we’re compelled to see if this journal has already been used, filled with someone else’s thoughts. Just in case…” her voice trailed off as she flipped through the journal again in demonstration, only to stop when she saw the writing. “Except this journal is capturing my thoughts…and exaggerating, it looks like.”

Ohog tried to respond, but found their smoky throat useless as Theudelinde tossed the journal back on the shelf. “No, I don’t think I’ll buy any curses today.”

All at once, Ohog found their voice. “Wait…you know everything’s cursed?”

“Of course,” Theudelinde nodded with a smile. “Everyone know this is a devil’s shop.”

Ohog felt a dark weight settle on their shoulders. “You mean…all this time…”

“Sure,” Theudelinde shrugged. “Ever since Lord Heifaber lost his family over a decade ago. He kept blaming the doll he had purchased from this shop, but when the mob went looking for it, it was nowhere to be found.”

“It comes standard with these shops…” Ohog muttered, their head suddenly feeling light and giddy.

“We all figured,” the woman nodded as she picked up the golden harp from the floor. “So when a strange curio shop popped up again the next month, people took notice. Word spread, people looked into it, and sure enough, everything purchased from this store is magically cursed.”

“But…but why?” Ohog stammered. “Why would anyone come in here to buy things if it’s all cursed?” They pointed an accusatory claw “Why did you come in here?”

“Me?” Theudelinde shrugged again, plucking a harp-string. “I was curious. As for everyone else, who knows? I mean, everything you buy is cursed, somehow, right? Payment plans, warranties, maintenance costs, premium up-sells…Besides, it’s not like there’s any alternative, right? Sometimes you just need a bit of magic, and a curse is a curse is a curse.”

“Everything you buy…” Ohog shook their head. “But…it costs you your soul! And you still entered the shop thinking…you might buy something?”

“That’s freedom,” Theudelinde smiled. “Choosing each and every day which path you’ll take. Besides, it doesn’t cost your soul right away, it just torments you. That’s nothing special. We’re all tormented every day. This is the 1400s, you know.” She set the harp down and gave a gentle wave. “Sorry, I won’t be buying anything today. Perhaps I’ll see you around?”