Brilliant Insanity

NOTE: At the time, I thought this was just a silly story. Now, re-reading so much later, I realize there’s a strong narrative of society deciding who is “a genius.” I think we can all think of some famous people who are labeled smart, but actually are just rich with large PR firms…

A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men. ~ Willy Wonka

Wilberforse Heinrich Lampozza Mondavi was born on May 23rd, 2020, in London, England. Reportedly, he did not cry nor laugh much as a child, though his nannies and doctors and teachers all reported an apparent interest in everything.

He did not speak until he was five, long after most children had uttered their first words, and reportedly his first word was ‘Schadenfreude,’ the German word for pleasure felt at another’s pain. This was considered doubly odd, for Wilberforse had never been given access to any German nannies, teachers, or media of any kind.

When Wilberforse went to school, his teachers found him very difficult to teach, as was so intelligent that correct answers seemed to simply not interest him. He instead spent his time filling in the most fascinating and illuminating nonsense that his teaches had ever experienced. It was on one math quiz that Wilberforse created his first roast parsnip stew recipe, and his first English test was the birthplace of the now famous ‘Wilberforse Theorem,’ an assertion of the correlation between toasted rice cakes and the fall of the soviet union in the late 1900’s.

By his entrance into middle school, it had became obvious — even to the casual acquaintance — that Wilberforse was a man of uncommon mental ability. He was said to remain silent for hours in the midst of loud parties, simply looking about with a bemused smile until his genius would reveal some heretofore undiscovered math proof, or method for cutting ones fingernails. His first years in middle school, while difficult, soon gave way to the swarming throngs of admirers that dominated his later years.

It was early in his High School years that Wilberforse began to shun the commonplace Germanic, Romantic, and Asian languages for the more esoteric means of communication. The second half of his sophomore year, for example, was spent communicating through a tin-whistle, while his senior year he communicated entirely through strange art-deco scribbles on post-its placed on his chest.

These new forms of communication, however, were in no way detrimental to his genius, as it was in this span of his life that he created the first ‘Theory of Theory,’ a recursive theorem that explained the theory itself, and launched theoretical science into newfound heights. He also invented Wiberforsium, the self-propagating toothpick, the Lion’s Mane bio-engine, Chronic temporal energy generation, the Wiberian calendar, The Giraffe’s Book of Poems, Astrojuice, and the first six seasons of the now famous tv-show Parsley Salad.

On April 10th, 2079, Doctor Wilberforse Heinrich Lampozza Mondavi graduated from seven of the highest institutions of learning with honors, all before he was twenty. He was asked to give the graduation speech at each ceremony, though he only spoke at MIT. His speech — currently housed in the Library of Congress — consisted of seven loud honks resembling the cries of the long extinct Canadian Goose. The audience applauded with great gusto, glorifying in the genius of his revelation.

It wasn’t until seven years later that the economists and poets of the age were able to decipher the meaning of this speech, which, of course, was far too late for it to be of any use.