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Let me tell you something about having social trauma.

It does cruel things to you. The constant bullying teaches you that you are doing something wrong, while tricking you into thinking that if you behaved “correctly” you’d be accepted, make friends, and not be tormented on a daily basis. It makes you crave validation — or even just confirmation — that you’re doing “human” correctly. (This is also likely exacerbated by autism, if you happen to have it.) Even friendly jokes can be salt in an oft-opened wound.

At the exact same time, it teaches you that social interactions are dangerous. If you make a mistake, you will be hurt, physically or emotionally. You pull away from attention and mistrust your self-confidence. You lean against the wall and wait for others to approach, because even introducing yourself is risky. You get a reputation for being standoffish, elitist, or smug.

I have a lot of Solo RPGs. A lot of them were free, and others I purchased in RPG bundles. Some of them are funny or silly, while others are dark and foreboding. Some ask the player to introspect, others are casual coffee-break games. I’ve played and written about only a small sampling of my collection; it’s extensive.

All the same, I’ve started to notice a pattern, one in which I think there is value in exploring. Both with RPGs in general and as a writer, I would like to talk about planning versus pantsing.

Pantsing is not pulling down someone’s trousers. In writing circles, it is the alternative to the method of writing that involves plot skeletons, character backstories, prepared themes, and charted plot-points, even before the first chapter is written. It’s “by the seat of the pants” writing, where you just write, and leave all that plot nonsense for later.

What does Deserve mean?

Yes, this is going to be another longwinded diatribe about the specific connotations of a word that everyone already understands, so don’t worry if you’re not interested; just move on to another website, and I’ll see you next time.

After all, I don’t deserve your attention, do I?

Already there are some interesting connotations. That simple phrase, “I don’t deserve this,” holds derogatory weight. Regardless of my intent, I come away looking humble, yes, but also self-depreciating. “I don’t deserve your attention” is another way of saying “I’m not good enough to entice you.” “I’m a bad artist, look away, go find something of greater worth to spend your time on.”

I won’t lie, that’s certainly a connotation I would have used in the past, well after my ’teen emo’ phase.

Did you know that there are rock-paper-scissors tournaments?

I’m not joking. Yes, it sounds like a joke, but the WRPSA is a real institution, with games taken as seriously by its players as any other sport. There are championships, books on strategy, trainers…

Now, the easy(and likely immediate…) reaction is to laugh. It really sounds like a lost Monty Python sketch, doesn’t it? You could see it on The Simpsons; hushed reporters discussing with retired masters the strategies this particular player is using…Oh, Paper; that’s the same opening he used against Keriovick in Moscow last year. A risky gambit; will it pay off, John? And the camera pans to the retired seven-time world champion, who’s maybe 14 years old.

It’s easy to laugh, because RPS means something to most of us; it’s a “game” only in the loosest of terms. There is no strategy, no skill, it’s entirely random, right? It’s what you do when you need to roll-off or cut-high but don’t have any dice or cards handy.

But it’s not entirely random, because you choose. You decide whether you throw Scissors or Paper or Rock, and surely there is some strategy in the choice, right?

H.P. Lovecraft, the racist little muppet, has a famous saying that gets trotted out like a prancing pony every time Horror as a genre gets mentioned.

The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown.

Most people, I think, get too wrapped up in this idea, and think that he was explaining his overall thesis statement: but consider, how much of Lovecraft’s horror is about the unknown? Most of his horror, I think, comes from the idea that exploring and discovery is dangerous. It’s an anti-intellectual sentiment, that the more you learn about the world, the more horrifying it becomes. A more accurate thesis statement might be “Ignorance is bliss.”

Now, do I have a long-winded yet articulate dissertation on Hit Points Lovecraft in the hopper for you? No. This is a half-baked idea at best, but it’s a fitting prostige(A portmanteu of prologue and prestige, used to define the practice of telling a seemingly unrelated story as an opener to a thesis; made famous by Rachel Maddow and lefty-Youtube video essays.) to what I want to talk about: Looking Behind the Scenes.

And so my Travel Guide to Places that Don’t Exist is completed.

Well, completed is probably not the right term. One of the positives surrounding a fake travel-guide like this is that you can always add a new place or attraction, slotting it in wherever you like.

Will I do that? Possibly. Not for a while though, because I have something…a bit larger in mind for my next project. How large? Well, let’s just say I’ve never posted a project as I was working on it. Thankfully, I’ve always had a backlog of stories that I’ve “finished,” so I’ve always been able to relax and put the time into writing without worrying about any self-imposed posting schedule.

That’s going to change a bit. This next project is…let’s be kind and just call it unfinished. A lot of work is going to go into it, and I’m not sure I’ll be able to keep a three-times-a-week posting schedule on this project alone…so I’m going to start only posting it once a week, on Saturdays. Tuesdays and Thursdays will be focused on posting/archiving old work, and any one-shot short stories I come up with.

Look at the published stats for any “moral choice” game, and you’ll see that most everyone picks the “good-guy” path, rather than villain. We don’t want to be cruel and evil people, we don’t want to cause pain or suffering, we want to be the hero.

So here’s my question: why would anyone want to be the bad-guy?

Because people do want to be the bad-guy. Look at all the people who play Warhammer 40k as chaos-marines, tyranids, orks, necrons, and dark eldar. Count all the people who love playing Evil RPG campaigns, or relish in being the anti-hero. Consider how many people reach for red lightsabers and stormtrooper outfits, or vampire capes, or purport to identify with the Joker.

I say purport, because no one really identifies with the Joker. I mean, if anyone was really given the opportunity to join an oppressive dictatorial regime predicated on the suppression of the poor and downtrodden, no one would actually join up, right?

Some would. Some already have.

I’m Gender-Neutral.

Or perhaps I’m Genderfluid. Agender fits too, and ultimately every time I try to nail down my gender identity to one of the currently accepted terms, I come away thinking “I mean…maybe? I guess?”

I’m autistic, and for me, gender is just confusing. There is a lot that goes into it, a lot that comes out of it, and I just don’t flippin’ know anymore. I don’t care anymore. I don’t have the time or energy to devote to this when I could be planning my next RPG session or struggling to finish this dang-blasted chapter!

But that doesn’t mean I don’t have thoughts. If you need evidence of that, look at my post on gender-neutral nobility. Give me enough time, and I’ll fix all the problems with the English language!

Eh, maybe not, but I certainly will share my opinions! Thank you for asking! So glad you’re curious! No, no, the doors are locked, don’t bother trying to flee, you’re mine now! For the next few minutes, anyway.

Long Ago and Far Away was an old PBS show hosted by James Earl Jones. With a brief introduction, the show was a vehicle for children’s stories, oftentimes from foreign countries or based on old folk-tales.

I had an old VHS with several of the shows recorded on it, and I watched it regularly. One of the introductions had James Earl Jones reading an atlas, looking at maps of far-off lands including “The Cheese Palace of Pushka, capital of Brotzt,” “the Kingdom of Zeep,” and the “Outer Minor Mutaan Islands.”

Being old enough to know a bit of geography, I knew these were made up places; but as Mr. Jones said, after wondering why he had never heard of these places before: “but that doesn’t mean I can’t imagine what it would like to visit.”

That idea has stuck with me for over thirty years, and so here is my own atlas, which I flatter myself to think that one day might inspire someone else with places they’ve never been.

Ah, colonialism.

Anti-colonial texts are hard to write, especially when you yourself are a colonialist. In a very real way, anti-colonialism is not my wheelhouse. It is the purview and right of the colonized to write powerful and sweeping tales of overcoming colonialism, patriarchy, and religious bigotry.

Of course, it is hardly exclusively the duty of the colonized to do all the heavy lifting. Allies must share and uplift the voices of the persecuted, not subsume or claim their words as one’s own.

And naturally, it’s all a spectrum. And boy howdy did I hit the wrong end of the spectrum on my first draft of The Stormcallers.