Myriad Worlds: Uumphoun

Twice as tall as many people of the Myriad Worlds, the Uumphoun are an ancient culture. Historically, ancient texts and stories of the Uumphoun tell of an old Uumphounian empire called KuuThoorrDaaWoo, translated literally as “The Second Risen Place.” This is considered by most scholars to be evidence that the Uumphoun are either the second oldest people, or the first culture to rise after some previous dominant species collapsed.

They have short stubby trunks for noses, half the length of an arm. They are thick bodied, though short-legged, with four fingers on each hand. They have thick pads for feet, with four nails for toes. Small tusks jut outwards from both the top and lower jaws.

Culturally, the Uumphoun are old, tired, and steadfast. At best, they are deeply zen and practical. At worst they are nihilistic and dismissive. Their culture is spiritual and religious, concerned mostly with personal improvement and exploration, rather than dominion or influence.

Incredibly strong both physically and mentally, they are a deep and steady people. The foolish will consider them slow-thinkers, when in fact they are simply exploring a multitude of facets of every situation.

The Uumphoun focus on personal and societal responsibility, concerned more with an individuals actions as relates to a whole, rather than selfish goals. Personal growth is a gift to the world and ones place in it. At best, this is a spirit of common mortality that grants them Buddha-like serenity and compassion. At worst, this is a driven sense of self-debasement that ensures they are constantly inward-focused and self-centered.

Language

It is useful to note that the Uumphoun, more than any other folk of the Myriad Worlds, continue to use their language in casual conversations with non-Uumphoun speakers. Whether this is a cultural tic or a nationalistic choice has never been decided, but it does mean that any feel the need to interact with Uumphoun on a regular basis should become familiar with some basics of the language to prevent either embarassment or social friction.

Whooaa

The term “whooaa,” made by the Uumphoun blowing air through their nose before tilting their head and allowing the airflow to shift through their open mouth, is one of the more common examples of the Uumphoun language making its way into casual communication. There is no perfect translation, though the most often cited is “I am astonished on the brink of amusement.”

The word is not exclusively an interjection, however, as it is also often used as an adjective or even adverb, used to describe something that commands a level of respect due to creativity or novelty.

It is a mistake, however, to assume that its most common use is one of levity. Whooaa is also used to express exasperation, disrespect, and social shame. As is often the case, context matters.

It is advised, therefore, that when an Uumphoun uses the word whooaa, one should consider the situation. If the Uumphoun is directing the word towards yourself, it is always wise to offer some form of apology or back-track of your most recent sentiment. As most Uumphoun are aware of many folks’ unfamiliarity with their cultural norms, they will recognize your caution as respect.

Goomn

The word goomn, also spelled goomr and goonr, is a low swallowing grumble at the base of the throat. The most appropriate translation is “I have heard what you say,” but in use it is perhaps more accurate to translate as “I am aware of what others think about this subject,” or even “things are more complicated than they seem.”

Often used as a kind of filler-word, goomn is a means of softening what might otherwise seem an overly declarative statement or lecture, either by one’s self or others. While its original intent might have been to smooth over social interaction and prevent anyone from appearing self-centered or conceited about a subject, it has since become more of a filler-word, and an additional sign of semi-formal politeness.

In most casual conversations, it is a word that can be safely ignored by non-speakers.

Raawoothaadoo

Perhaps one of the most flexible of common words in the Uumphoun language, raawoothaadoo has no single translation. It is used in countless situations, and can have multiple meanings, oftentimes within the same phrase.

Raawoothaadoo is most often used as a means of praise, but in a very formalized manner. Similar to how one might say “excuse me” after committing a social transgression, or “my complements to the chef” after a pleasant meal. Rather than being focused on a specific kind of social grace, however, raawoothaadoo is used as a vague catch-all word, perhaps best translated as a formal and emotive “I’m happy.”

Many Uumphoun scholars have balked at this translation, however, drawing reference to raawoothaadoo as a very Aap word.¹ Rather than an expression of personal joy, they suggest a closer translation is in the Rim-runner concept of Allalla (ay-lay-lah), or the idea that all things are all other things as well. This suggests a long-form translation of “it is good that all things are as they are,” though the Uumphoun are well known for their struggle with any translation of terms like “good” or “bad.”

Noted Uumphoun scholar Juutup Woohaantoux has suggested the translation “all is right” as perhaps more pragmatically useful, though the multiple page dissertation on a myriad subtleties calls their sincerity into question.

The other most common use of raawoothaadoo is as a spurring on, such that spans possible translations: “Time to go,” “get a move on,” and “Things should begin soon.” Since the tonal shifts in Uumphoun speech are subtler and distinct from most other Myriad folk, it is wise to consider the use of this word as more significant than their unhurried tones might suggest.

Governance

As far as foreign nationals are concerned, there is no central Uumphoun authority. Individual families, tribes, cities, and similar organizations govern themselves in an anarchic method guided either by immediate local need, or in accordance with the Oos and Aap (see below). Singular Uumphoun abide by the laws and customs of whatever land or region they find themselves in, and often times are funneled into peacekeeping or mercenary functions, considering their remarkable size and imposing stature, when compared to the other races of the Myriad Worlds.

The most populous city of Uumphoun is the City WaaOonoPhoozaaRummphaa, (roughly translated to either; Land of Burned Offerings, or First Hopeful Step Towards Endevours) located several miles to the east of the Palace of Shade. Here, at least five thousand Uumphoun live their lives in relative peace and prosperity. The governance of such a large group of citizens is conducted by a rotating council, selected by lottery every year. Each family is given a wooden chit with their family sign carved upon it. These chits are placed in a rolling barrel, which is then opened and ten chits are withdrawn. When a family is called to serve, they must provide a single member to sit in counsel and provide their wisdom as is requried by the city.

Uumphoun governance by this council is largely an advisory affair, with most conflicts begin adjudicated. Usually, adjudicators are chosen by the two parties for known just and wise behavior. The Council is usually addressed only if no adjudicator can be agreed upon, or if circumstances conflict with a normal proceedure.

Food

Omnivorous by nature and Vegetarian by culture, The Uumphoun diet consists mainly of vegetables and roots, simply prepared. Culinary arts are mostly forsaken in favor of strong flavored ingredients, supplemented with powerful fermented sauces. Soy, lye, vinegar, brine, and powerful alcohols are staple ingredients, while the common techniques are braising, blanching, and searing over high heat.

The most common staple crop in Uumphoun cuisine is the butter-root, an oily plant that provides a high amount of important nutrients and minerals for the Uumphoun. When cooked, it releases its natural oils, which have a high enough smoke-point to allow for effective and natural frying. While this oil is now often extracted and refined in a process called ‘clearing,’ the traditional practice of cooking with a slice of butter-root is still practiced among many families, especially those of the Apaphi. This slice of butter-root is called the Poomp, and it is generally distributed as a sweet garnish for the youngest at the table, or any guests who have come to eat.

Other staple foods include potatoes, bulbous wheat-grain, whole rice, tall-cabbage, and Deni-nuts.

Deni-nuts are the other most commonly associate foodstuff with Uumphoun cuisine. Often ground and used as seasoning or toppings, Deni-nuts are also roasted whole and unshelled, which gives a smokey flavor as well as a mildly narcotic effect to the shell. The shell is then cracked on the teeth and sucked on for recreation.

The most famous of all Uumphoun dishes is called Buutrou, which is colloquially used to refer both to the tall-cabbage vegetable and the dish itself. Prepared in multiple manners across the culture, Buutrou is perhaps the singular most indicative representation of cultural difference among the Uumphoun, more so than region, country, religion, philosophy, or language. Recipes and techniques are shared and settled upon across generations, and are oftentimes more representative of Uumphoun cultural shifts than any other extant event. Without a unified lord or shared monarch, there are fewer more accurate methods to explore the Uumphoun and their mores.

This is to say, if you are ever given a recipe for Buutrou by an Uumphoun, you should allow for no substitutions or alterations, as this would be considered an insult.

Uumphoun alcohol consists of fermented cane-sugars and roots. The most famous drink, both for its ubiquity and cultural significance, is called Yoouhssh. Yoouhssh is a equally measured mix of Uumphoun toasted rum and vinegar. Drunk in small quantities during mealtimes, Yoouhssh is shared as freely as water, though most Uumphoun will look down on those who do not savor the flavors, whether they enjoy them or not.

The In and the Out

The literal translation of ‘Oos and Aap’, apart from being hotly contested, drastically underrepresents the rich meaning of the dichotomy. In and Out mean a great many things across Uumphoun culture, and any complete discussion of the two requires an extensive understanding of Uumphoun daily life.

The Uumphoun themselves have been remarkably unhelpful in discussing suitable translations, as the concepts of in and out are not only complicated, but endowed with spiritual meaning. Translating Oos and Aap into another language is like translating proper nouns — only suitable if you cannot pronounce the original word.

The full discussion requiring years of study, we will be unable to go into the entire discussion here, but we can reference a few manifestations of the concept:

The Oosapha:

Oosapha is a term referencing those Uumphoun who have focused entirely on the ‘in’ aspect of Uumphoun life. Oosapha towns are generally built with mud-plaster and wood, heated from a central clay fire-pit. Cooking is done entirely out-of-doors, and generally in groups. Dishes are never mixed together, each given separate plates or bowls.

Oosapha are generally ’led’ by the eldest, whatever their gender. Gender is attributed not at birth, but at marriage or becoming a parent — two events that were one and the same both in olden times and currently in many orthodox Oosapha villages. Families are tightly knit, large, and singular; you are only ever part of one family. To join another, you must step away from your own.

Clothing is primarily a simple thin cloth, draped and tied with ropes and belts. Hides and leather are common. Oosapha prefer hunting and gathering to cultivation of the land, though herding is fairly common among the old, settled, or select.

The Aapaphi:

The Aapaphi are the Uumphoun who have devoted themselves to the ‘out’ aspect of life. Aapaphi live mostly in stone villages, though they are wanderers by nature and travel quite often, sometimes relocating without warning. Houses are communal, and while families tend to be small, the boundary between family and community is thin.

Aapaphi are fairly anarchic, though there are hints of matriarchy, usually through recent mothers. An impromptu ‘council’ of mothers share gossip and news, and are generally followed surrounding issues of the region.

The Aapaphi are farmers, strictly vegetarian by inclination, and clothe themselves in thick wool fabric. Their cuisine is heavily flavored, and served in a single bowl or plate.

Few Uumphoun devote themselves entirely to either the Oos or the Aap, though it is rare that an Uumphoun will share no inclination or affinity for either.

Warfare

In ancient times, the Uumphoun have been involved — quite unintentionally, by their account — in border conflicts with the neighboring Aeolam. Purportedly pacifistic by nature, in recent years, more Uumphoun have found themselves in mercenary bands, resurrecting the ancient Uumphoun arts of warfare.

Ancient Uumphoun warriors wore slatted wooden armor, or stone in rare cases. They fought with thick javelins and Hook-hammers: three or four pronged hooks on long handles which they used to bite deep into foes armor or flesh and wrench apart. Clubs and axes have been found in old burial mounds, while knives appeared to be used solely as tools for domestic reasons. Swords seem to have been largely ignored by the Uumphoun, favoring picks and hooks. Heavy or long spears too were largely ignored, as lighter and throwable javelins were of more versatile use.

Death

The Uumphoun are remarkably long-lived. As an Uumphoun ages, they are encouraged to shed more and more responsibility and practice. They become more sedentary, thoughtful, and devote more of their time to meditation and prayer. Most Uumphoun will continue to grow throughout their lives, and will often experience a second growth-spurt around ‘middle-age,’ sometimes growing up to twice as tall as before.

A dead Uumphoun is not considered to have ended, but rather transcended to the next form of existence, joining the web of energy that flows through all living things. ‘We are all one,’ it is said, and so the separate energies that combine and reconstitute into the surrounding world once more.

Oosapha burial practice is an extensive process, stemming from their ancient religious practices relating to cremation. It is composed of seven separate rituals, as well as placing the body in a kind of corpse-compost heap for ten years.

Aapaphi burial rituals ignore the body entirely, instead focusing on a three-day ceremony alternately celebrating the life and mourning the loss of the departed. This is also one of the only death rituals in the Myriad Worlds that is never performed by the grieving. Indeed, this ceremony is performed by everyone but the surviving family.

The Uumphoun Baabiiroo

As a culture, the Uumphoun have produced more scientists, scholars, and mathematicians than any other people. Interestingly enough, they do not have a word for science in the Uumphoun language, instead using the same word as they use for more relaxed methods of artistry. In short; painting, music and dance, mathematics, astrology, chemistry, and poetry are all different forms of Baabiiroo, weakly translated as either art or science, depending on context.

This aspect of the Uumphoun culture has resulted in a remarkable attitude towards nature and the academic pursuits. The Uumphoun are, as a people, incredibly advanced in scientific understanding and engineering principles, as well as masters of artistry, but rarely display the results of such.

To the Uumphoun, complex mathematics are akin to a masterwork painting, and the art of studying these numerical intricacies is undertaken as a member of an audience, rather than an explorer or scholar. This has caused many scholars to tear their hair out at the thought of the discoveries the Uumphoun have made that have long since been lost, merely because they didn’t care enough to write it down.

The Uumphoun, however, do not agree with this characterization. To write down or catalog a piece of art would be akin to painting a dance, or repeating a song for someone else. The act of discovery and learning is part of the process. As such, the Uumphoun place a great deal of respect and reverence on Teachers, with no comparable respect to books or ledgers. The proper way to learn, according to the Uumphoun culture, is to be taught by another, or to discover yourself.

This has given rise to a number of baabiiroo schools throughout the Myriad Worlds, many famed for their skill at producing adept and successful graduates.