A Kind Of Slur

Words are powerful things.

One of the greatest lies in modern discourse is the suggestion that words are somehow less significant or “real” than physical action. “Sticks and Stones,” after all. A politician who says all the right things is branded an empty suit if their actions are not measured in kind.

But words control us in marked and unavoidable ways. There are words that we feel bad for saying, or uncomfortable even thinking. F-words can be censored for all audiences, but the N-word is something far more powerful. Even the idea of saying it is disquieting for most people. It certainly is for me.

And these powerful words are entirely cultural. If I was in a British pub, calling a bloke a c**t wouldn’t seem odd. In America, that word could get me badly bruised. In reverse, we Americans can say “spaz” freely, the word being more akin to “wally” in Britain, where spaz is quite bigoted.

Words can be abusive. Saying the wrong word at the wrong time can be a kind of attack. An assault. Painful.

There is a word I’m trying to remove from my vocabulary. Not because it actually is a slur, mind you, but because I do think the word is abusive. It is a word that upholds a cruel and inaccurate worldview, and encourages dangerous mindsets. It functions like a slur in that it is used to uphold a social status quo; specifically a hierarchical one where certain people are better than others through no fault of their own.¹

That word is “Normal.”

Now, your gut instinct is going to be one of dismissal; whether through outright scorn or casual condescension, your first thoughts were likely not “Ooh, of course, how interesting.” Normal, as a word, is not particularly problematic, and even the most social-justice, anti-racist, punk-haired, burn-it-all-down, herstory/womyn, you-looking-at-me-is-upholding-the-patriarchy type caricature will probably blink, cock an eyebrow, and say “isn’t that a bit much?”

And you’d be right. It is a bit much. But I’m still going to try and never use the word again.

Why? I’m glad you asked.

What exactly is “Normal?”

“Oh great, here comes Socrates again, here to wow us with his stubborn refusal to know what we all know.” Fair, that’s fair. I’m sorry. I do want to be a Better Socrates, so let me try again.

What are some synonyms for Normal?

Common, average, natural, typical, ordinary…I’m sure you can come up with more, but this paints a pretty clear picture, doesn’t it? The word Normal is predicated on the idea that there is a certain way things are “supposed to be.” A natural order of things that says leaves are usually green, the sky is most of the time blue, and the earth more or less takes 365 days to orbit the sun.

If we dive into this definition, we see that “Normal” is really just another way of saying “on average.” It’s a method of identifying outliers by virtue of their opposite. Much like “cis” primarily means “not transgender,” “normal” means “not unusual.”

But is it a perfect synonym for average? Replace the word in usage and you come across some interesting use-cases. Suddenly, saying someone should “dress averagely” feels a bit less understandable. While “I wish you’d just behave normally” carries some weight, “I wish you’d just behave averagely” is a bit less sympathetic.

That isn’t to say it’s less accurate. When someone behaves “un-average,” it can take energy to engage with that person. Greeting people with a handshake and a “how are you” is largely reflexive. When you are suddenly met with a hug from someone you barely know, you hitch — your brain starts searching for explanations and proper behaviors. When everyone at work wears formal office-wear, the one person who wears jeans and a t-shirt isn’t just different, they’re other.

It’s part of our social instincts. If we aren’t “normal,” they’ll think we might be a threat. Actively choosing to not only be different but to display difference is to actively force others to work harder at merely engaging with us. This idea more than any other has given me some measure of (admittedly radical) empathy for right-wing reactionaries who feel attacked when they see people performing “non-traditionally.” In some way, they kind of are.²

But “average” is a difficult word to use in this case. It’s one that has implications and no small amount of assumptions. See, I’m not sure that the average exists.

Think of an “average” person. Right off the bat you’ve made an error, because the global population consists of roughly 50% male and 50% female.³ If we treat gender like math, that means the average person is 50% male and 50% female. How does that work? The average person is gender neutral? Bi-gender? I don’t think many would agree that the average person identifies as A-gender, so obviously we need to look at two separate populations; the average male and the average female.

But before I pull the same trick and ask about what country is “average” or which job is “average”, we have to recognize that we’ve just erased a sizable percentage of the global population; those who aren’t Male or Female. (Hi there!)

It doesn’t matter if we’re talking biology, social labels, or personal opinion: whatever your definition of “male” and “female” is, there are people who don’t fit into either group. We can argue about how many people that is, but that’s not important. Whether its one or one million, “average” unavoidably erases those who don’t fit neatly into the boxes others build.

But let’s pretend that doesn’t happen. Let’s imagine that we can somehow average out every person into an amalgamation of humanity. We can find the “Average” person, whatever that means.

Does that person exist? No, of course not. Never mind the fact that an “average” person is a difficult thing to define, by virtue of being a different person than the person next to you, so too you must be a different person than the “average.” Remember how many people live outside the country you live in. Remember how many have different jobs, families, and passions than you do. Everyone has minute differences such that even if there was someone who perfectly modeled the “average” person, there would only be one of them, meaning they wouldn’t, in fact, be average at all! How could .000000001% of a population represent the average?

No, the “average” person is only someone who can be approached asymptotically — closer and closer, but never touching. By virtue of its impossible standard, being “normal” is impossible.

So what does “being normal” do?

It scrapes away the bits of you that are not socially expected. It prevents you from exploring new ways of being. It keeps you safe from the threat of your fellow humans — a threat I will not accept.

None of us are “normal,” and trying to be “normal” only limits us. If we could craft a world where your abnormalities were not only accepted but embraced, then we could finally do away with this social boogey, this nightmarish shadow that haunts all of us who dare dream of being ourselves.

And it’s not like it’s a complement, right? Think of the last time you heard someone say the word “normal:” was it in appreciation? “That dress is so normal?” “This meal you cooked is wonderfully normal?” “You’re such a normal person?” No! No, when we delight in the expected, we label it propery: a beautiful dress, comforting food, a dependable person. These are qualities that define virtues, not antitheses of the unfamiliar.

Social anxiety is real, it is powerful, and it damages relationships. I myself have been hurt by it. Perhaps it’s my history as one of the outsiders, but I can’t help but blame this strange and ethereal idea that if we had a society where different wasn’t bad — not even good, just not unexpected — millions of people would be able to take part in the society that they fear has left them behind.

Does that mean you should stop using the word Normal? No, of course not. It’s more an experiment than anything. See, if I can’t use the word normal, then I have to use the word natural, or common, or average. I’ve already found it fairly revealing, and it has helped me move through the world much more empathically towards people who don’t behave how I expect.

(Yes, this post’s title was a bit of clickbait, but it’s too late now! You read the whole post! Bwa ha ha! Dance, puppet, dance!)