Short Stories

The Monarch detected a charming personality hidden underneath his ragged clothes…~ Filipino Folk Tale

And so it came to pass, that in the old land of Dup, children, when the sun was fresh as a new daffodil, and the fish swam like birds through the creamy rivers, and the skies were filled with feathered beasts of all colors and sizes and shapes; when the land was so giving as to require only an hour of work a day for a farm to receive a crop of rice so pure as to be gold; when no woman was foul of skin, or wore hair lighter than purest midnight, and when no man was feeble, simple, or unable to support his family, and when no child would ever dream of dishonoring his filial duties; Here, in old Dup came Young Keh.

Keh was a poor child, having lost his parents to a vicious troll not one summer before, and had wandered across Dup, searching for a family ever since. He was a kind boy, and fair of face, but his clothing ragged from poverty, and he had nothing with which to buy food. His hunger was satiated only on the kindness of strangers, and it seemed to Keh that whenever a young knight or lost girl would offer him but a scrap of food, some fairy or spirit would appear to bless the knight or girl with riches beyond Keh’s dreams for their kindness and charity. He was glad he could help bring fortune to so many, but sometimes, in the dark of the night when his stomache ached, he wished the fairies and spirits would give him just a small piece of fortune too.

I first found the ‘Glass-Half-Question Joke’ in as a child, in Gary Larson’s The Far Side. At its simplest, the joke was generally structured in threes. First the optimist, then the pessimist, then a third classification that was the punchline. Some had four or five, each punchline building on the last. I had collected one or two of these through college that I had found quite funny, and then just started writing them down whenever I found them. These are the only ones that stuck around, and so I’ve posted them here.

NOTE: As an experiment, many years ago, I decided to do some free associative writing. Words that connected in my brain were written down without filter. This worked relatively well for the beginning, but soon the surreal disjointed words shifted into poetic expression. That wasn’t the point of the exercise, and nowadays it does little more than underscore how depressed I actually was. Instead of rubbing our noses in depressive self-expression, I edited that section out and combined the two attempts into one.

Ask my Know. He were no cigarette.

A start. Beginning at the crest of the flowing river starts a rolling wave through green grass and brown bark framing the picture of space travel. Hopping through lobster bisque jumps green and smiling while running, fleeing, terrified of black shadows that creep from home. Dark eyes of glowing red coals flicker, dying in the fireplace with a smoky smell of tobbacco and harsh sandpaper on the throat. A tricking water flow lands, turning stone into worth and value.

His other slight peculiarity was the habit when distracted by thought of taking up improbable positions on furniture. ~ Bill Bryson, on Charles Lyle

My Dearest Lulu,

I have met the most fascinating man, today. His name is Finnigan, and he has been assured to me of a most particularly voluminous mind. Professor Lindly — remember him, my dear? He of the flowing hair? — introduced me to Mr. Finnigan as a student of philosophy, geology, chemistry, and physics. He seems a most genial fellow, though Lindly seemed to find him eccentric. I look forward to many great and wonderful conversations with him in the future.

I am glad to hear that your brother is feeling better. Having once received a fairly serious burn on my arm from a particularly exothermic reaction, I can imagine what it must be like to loose the use of ones limb. Please extend my sympathies to him.

Dr. Prinassus

Playing this season on Broadway, MacB! is the recent musical adaptation of Shakespeare’s seminal hit, Macbeth. Directed by proud up and coming director Joe Vanderhook, MacB! puts the full force of the best of New York’s artistic talent along side the best of classic British theatre.

The play opens with a prologue featuring the talented Elizabeth Kaine, Claire Rogan, and Kelly Fontaine as the red, blond, and black haired ‘Wyrd Sisters,’ the scantily clad mystical chorus that frames the entire play. Their opening song, ‘Double Double, (Toil and Trouble)’ sets the tone with an incredible display of pyrotechnics and a laser show that is used to supplement the finely crafted set with images of far off castles, smokey clouds, and spectral images that help accent the horror that the rest of the show promises to deliver. The song is well-crafted and danced impeccably with the frantic spasms of the performers providing a true sense of otherworldly possession, while the sharp and almost painful lyrics screamed by these three actresses betrayed their devotion to these complex and intricate characters. The completion of the first song alone caused a standing ovation that lasted over five minutes, sadly forcing the three women to hold their complex final pose no doubt far longer than they expected, but they maintained their stance with a professionalism and aplomb that is to be commended, if not celebrated.

I might be dead / but I will overcome ~ TJ Stafford, Rise Again

Congratulations! You are dead!

As a courtesy for our customers, every purchase of a Lupton & Sons economy casket includes this notice carved into the lid of the coffin for the recently deceased. This notice was provided free of charge as a complimentary service, to better prepare you for what is to come.

Many people have walked into our mortuary and asked if this life was all that there is. Does not some other life await us? We at Lupton & Sons believe wholeheartedly that your death, untimely or otherwise, need not be the end of your life!

This story was made using the solo RPG: Monster Hunter, by La esquina del rol. Based on the Firelights system, this pamphlet RPG is about the Borderlands, and the last Monster Hunter who has the Scattergun of Destiny. They must find the Six Legendary Bullets to banish The Evil One and restore the Borderlands. The following is a list of the card-draws, rolls, and actions taken during play that resulted in the transcribed narrative:

The dragon’s rotten lips parted, a fetid cloud of swamp gas leaking from the beast’s depths. “So,” the monster spoke, “you’ve come to kill me, haven’t you?”

Vic opened her mouth in shock before she could collect her wits. “I’m here for the bullet,” she said at last, reaching out a hand to steady herself against a tree.

“Yes, then,” the dragon slowly uncoiled, its head snaking forward. “Well, I’m not interested in fighting today, so I suppose I’ll just let you have it.”

“What?” Vic could scarcely believe it. Was the dragon being honest? She certainly wasn’t feeling up for a fight, much less with a dragon and without her rifle. Would it really be that easy?

The dragon hissed, sending a spray of burning liquid over Vic’s face. “You heard me. I’m going to give you one of the six legendary bullets. You can pluck it straight from my forehead and I won’t even eat you for your trouble. How does that sound?”

The way was dark and cold. A rusted lantern with a small slosh of ancient oil provided enough light to see by and not much else. The sound of dripping water echoed through the depths. The darkness was unyielding, drawing Vic further and further away from the light. She had never ventured into the caves and abandoned mines of the Borderlands; the monsters that roamed the land above were bad enough, and there was little of worth in the dark underground. It was all Vic could do to not shiver.

The passages twisted and wound across each other like writhing snakes. Were it not for Vic’s compass, she would have been completely lost.

No, not completely. Every once in a while, the pull of the fifth bullet dragged at her stomach, tugging her down this tunnel or that. She was hunting on instinct now, navigating the maze of tunnels with little more than hope spurring her on.

At long last, a faint glimmer of natural light shone through the darkness. She crept forward, ducking through the small passage until she reached a large fissure in the rock, stretching up to the surface and down deeper into the earth.

The lake water looked cold, but the singer payed it no mind.

The rising sun was slowly warming the nighttime air, the first piercing rays striking the singer full in the face, but it paid no mind to the sun either. It’s eyes had long since rotted away to a shrivled milky white. Loose teeth rattled in its skull as its head fell from side to side, a sound that was half a moan and half a hymn drifting across the gently rippling lake.

Whoever they were, they died years ago. Now, all they were was a fountain of suffering that drew the living and trapped them in their own nightmares. There were ten of them, at least. They rocked back and forth, their eyes squeezed tight, their faces frozen masks of pain, fear, and despair.

Vic rubbed her mouth as she studied the scene from her hiding spot. It would be hard to get everyone away from the monster without being seen, but the walking dead were harder to kill than most. Besides, she was running low on supplies and still had to get the ten people back home.

Humans didn’t last long in the Borderlands. The air was bad, it made you sick. Monsters hunted silently, and claimed their pray with sudden and clear fierceness. The few who survived for any length of time, did so because of either extensive training or a guide who had the same, and they rarely stayed longer than a week before returning to the safety of civilization.

Vic opened her pack and pulled out the last of her herbs. Surely, she had to have something useful that could keep the weathered zombie busy while she fled with its captives.